perfectionism
my fickle mistress. as much I as I have that I want to share with you, I despise not having something more complete, something more visually interesting to include and show you. I want to have more than just my anxious, scared thoughts of a nearly 29 year old in their house, typing and hoping that it means something to anyone.
I have a hard time feeling motivated to share hardships, especially ones that I'm not really excited to honor about myself. in my videos, I usually paper over my shortcomings with optimism and humor. most of the time, to the extent that I have the energy to create, I instead spend my energy combating the negative self-talk related to my inability to make the thing I want and pointlessness of creating if I can't make something that I'm proud of.
part of doing this constant work in progress is accepting that it's an ever-expanding collage of my shortcomings. it's all the worst parts about creating: it's never done, it's never pretty enough for me to be happy to look at it, and you, the reader, get to look at how inept I am at this thing I've spent years of my life doing. this is exposure therapy to the extent I can manage. I'm hoping this gets me to do more over time.
what is convenient about this (for now) is that no one even knows it's here. it is also not convenient for the parts of me that want to be seen, albeit in an art form that is acceptable to be received.